Thursday, December 18, 2014

My Family and Me
9:12 PM

My Family and Me

When I lost my Mom, I lost my family.

I already told you the story about the lost of my Mom when I was a 10 year old kid. I mean, you can't imagine how this feels. And I was lost. My feelings were lost. No clue what to think or what to do.

My Dad's sisters and his father were the only family members who were around. With around I mean in the same city. I also have 2 cousins, they are my age and we used to play together quiet a lot.

With the lost of my Mom, the lost of my Dad's wife, our life changed. It felt like that it destroys my Dad. And to have him around and to handle him got more and more difficult. He drank a lot and drowned his pain in alcohol. For some kind of reason, I don't know why because I was too young to understand, my Dad broke up contact with his family. Totally. He shut down everything he had, no matter if this was good for me or not. He was more interested into his beer.

Result: I was alone. Really alone. There was no person I could talk to. It wasn't possible for a kid that age to think further and look for contact with my aunties. I was alone. In my head and in my heart.

I had to arrange myself at this very young age so I created some kind of barrier. I kept everyone in my life on a distance. That distance kept me away from getting hurt, but also from love. That is definitely one the reasons I started to work so hard, because I thought money would be the only thing that could make me happy again. Everything else failed.

Fast forward. Age 23. It was now around 13 years ago since I've seen my aunties who literally just live around the corner. But one night changed everything.
I was out with some friends in a nightclub. I had a good night and went to the bar to get me a drink.
While I was standing there and waiting for the barkeeper to give me some attention, I looked around to see what's going on. Then there was this guy standing right next to me. He looked me in the eyes, and his face was so familiar to me... it was my cousin! He became a good looking grown up and damn, I haven't seen him for such a long time. He also immediately recognized me and we started to talk. But to not leave our friends alone and not to have this drunk talk, we exchanged numbers and decided to talk the other day.

From that night I got back in contact with my aunties and it felt really good to have them back in my life. Ever since I've missed family and the feeling of belonging to someone. We started slowly because everyone was really insecure about how to treat each other and all that. I realized that I have 4 more cousins now, and missed everything from their life so far. On the one hand I was happy to have them all now, but on the other hand I was really sad that I've missed so much of the time.

To be honest I felt a bit weird and a bit just like a foreigner because they had their jokes, they had their themes to talk about. I felt like I stepped into this family with no right positioning. Maybe it's hard to understand but being away from them for such a long time makes it hard just to go back and everything is fine. Now after again more than 8 years my family here and I get along together really well and our relationship is getting better and better.
And I'm really happy and proud of the young ones, we had a connection right away and I feel comfortable with them.

Just 3 days ago at our christmas dinner I was talking to the youngest (15) and I realized that my first christmas with my family since my Mom passed away was in 2009.
More than 17 years christmas without my family! But what did I do all these years? Nothing or I forgot it. But I'm back we're back for good... #loveislove


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